Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
