Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
