I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
