just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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