Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
