I think i peed on brittanys purse
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
