I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I wish there were birth control emojis
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize