also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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