Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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