Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
