I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
