Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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