it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
