walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize