This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
