none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
