Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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