The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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