Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
