I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
