everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
