i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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