i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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