There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
