My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
