I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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