I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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