Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We had sex on a dog bed..
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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