We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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