that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
