Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
