I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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