so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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