my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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