96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize