Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
