if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
