i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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