Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
