i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
