I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
