If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
