this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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