Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
