Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
