Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
