also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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