i can't believe i had my finger in that
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
