He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
