saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
