Define "chronic" masturbator.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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