just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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