My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Randomize
