I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
