her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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