My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
