You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
