Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I supernannyed him into submission
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
