I didn't shave. On purpose
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
