The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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